Good news about attachment style + traumaJun 10, 2022
You may have heard of attachment style in relationships and believe that you are either Anxious or Avoidant. But what if like many others you experience both or neither?
Secure Attachment is when you feel safe together and apart.
When being close doesn't affect your sense of self and being apart doesn't affect your sense of self.
Both anxious and avoidant types struggle with feeling safe in relationships.
If you have experienced any sort of trauma it is likely that you don't feel safe in relationship and you may have a dominant attachment style of Anxious or Avoidant.
Both have (often unconscious) strategies for dealing with the feelings that intimacy brings up.
Anxious attachment seeks comfort via connection and Avoidant attachment seeks comfort via disconnection.
Anxious attachment doesn't know how to feel safe without the closeness of another and Avoidant attachment doesn't feel safe while being close to another.
Attachment style and behavioural response is determined by our autonomic nervous system, then our autonomic reactivity (via our Ventral Vagal Complex or our Dorsal Vagal Complex) and what we saw modelled to us.
How we respond to stressors, whether we have a parasympathetic or sympathetic reaction to stimuli and what patterns of interaction this trigger is too simplistic for a meme. Or a blog. Its unique to you.
Trauma affects our ANS (autonomic nervous system) and it's unlikely that you have just one trauma or just one response. So you might be Avoidant in some situations and Anxious in others.
Our ANS is our subconscious system for detecting threats and safety. It gives us subtle responses to stimuli and depending on the development and health of our ventral vagal system will tell us whether to fight, flee, freeze or befriend.
We can recondition our Neuroception and heal our autonomic nervous system through somatic experiencing like breath work, cold water therapy and shaking.
We can also learn to make new neural connections so that our adult brains know that we are now safe in places we might not have been before.
This is wonderful. One of the best things about being a Soul having a human experience in a human body is that we can heal and evolve. Our bodies and multiple brains are fucking powerful magic merkabah!
𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞.
It’s not always easy, and it’s not always simple but from what I’ve witnessed over the last 25 years (in myself and others) it is always worth pursuing.
𝑴𝒚𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒊𝒔𝒎 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒄𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒖𝒏𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆.
It’s where ancient knowing and modern knowing intersect. It’s where faith, chaos, structure and experience spiral and create something greater than the sum of its parts.
This is the kind of thing I work with people on. Its what we discuss in The MAVEN HAVEN and is what we play with in retreat and sacred circle. It's what some of my courses like ALIGNED + EXPRESSED explore.
Want to find out more? Message me.
*As a multiple brain integration coach and someone who is both Trauma aware and informed, I will only ever assist you in helping you make choices that are right for you rather than tell you what's best.
If you enjoyed this article, I highly recommend The AWE (Adulting with Ebonie) Podcast
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